Well, tonight is my second-to-last shift at my neighborhood Barnes & Noble, after which I will have just one job like a normal person. I have mixed feelings about this: while I'm overwhelmingly glad that I'll once again have my weekends and evenings free, I do have some friends at Barnes & Noble that I will miss. Which is why God and Thomas Edison invented the telephone. Anyway, on to the point of this post.
As a way to enhance its "warm, comfortable and spacious atmosphere" (Company History, barnesandnobleinc.com), Barnes & Noble offers comfortable lounge chairs, a fully-staffed cafe serving Starbucks coffees, a wide selection of books, music, DVDs, games, and gift items, and public restrooms.
Most American citizens have a rudimentary understanding of the function and use of a bathroom.
Most. However, in the past months, I've become aware that there are some real freakshows out there.
Consider these examples:
-Because Barnes & Noble frequently offers such fine magazines as
Busty Beauties,
Paddles,
Leg World, and
Plumpers, as well as other incendiary books such as
Bearotica and
Lighting for Nude Photography, sometimes the clientele feel they need an, um, outlet for some pent-up, um, pressure. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of employees finding some of the above-mentioned reading material spread on the floor of the above-mentioned restrooms.
-A few weeks ago, one of our employees was thrilled to find a pile of shit on the floor in the mens room. In the stall, but directly on the floor. At least 3 feet from the toilet. There's no way you can accidentally "miss" by 3 feet, folks. Luckily, when a mess like that ensues, the managers are in charge of cleanup. The following week, however, our floor-shitting villain returned -- and this time he was caught in the act by an employee. I'm not really sure how this one was resolved, or what the young man's reason for floor-shitting was. I do know that he's not coming back anytime soon.
-Along with the reading material frequently found in the restrooms, there are often implements for concurrent use with this literature. My personal favorite report was of a cucumber wearing a condom. In case the cucumber had an STD, I guess.
-When I was at work a few weeks ago, one of the employees reported to the manager that there was a toilet plunger sitting in a toilet. The manager, figuring some good samaritan had tried to unplug their own clog, went in to survey the situation. Upon reaching for the handle of the toilet plunger, he found . . .
wait for it . . .
VASELINE ON IT.
Policy was immediately enacted removing all plungers from restrooms.
I only have two shifts left to collect more of these. I'll keep you posted - I'm sure you greatly appreciate it.
