The Oscars 2005: Get Beyonce the fuck off the stage

I eagerly look forward to the Academy Awards each year. I am a fan of the cinema as well as a whore for celebrity gossip, so the Oscars are my personal Holy Grail.

The ABC pre-show, as always, made me want to hurl. If it weren't for the first tantalizing look at all of those gowns and jewels (and Clive Owen, a jewel in and of himself), I seriously wouldn't bother. If I had to hear, "Well, you look absolutely stunning," or "What was your inspiration for playing this character?" one more time, I would have tossed something. Probably my cookies.

Beyonce. Oh God, Beyonce. You were omnipresent. The memory of that first HORRID PERFORMANCE will haunt my nightmares for decades. Dearest, a hint: do not sing in French. EVER. AGAIN. And do not attempt to writhe about sexily while you're surrounded by 60 little chorus boys in sweater-vests. Burgundy-colored sweater-vests. Might I ask, also, why you chose a lovely LIME GREEN and ORANGE frock to match those burgundy sweater-vests? That whole performance was a gigantic fucking train wreck.

But that was only the first time Ms. B graced the stage. She returned, not once, but TWICE more to display her vocal stylings. The second performance, I'll admit, was bearable. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber added some much-needed class to the stage as Ms. Knowles sang a tolerable version of "Learn to be Lonely" from Mr. Webber's musical. She wore a chandelier around her neck, but it somehow didn't seem to harm her breathing ability.

Beyonce was then joined by sometime hearththrob Josh Groban to bleat sing "Believe" from The Polar Express. Now, perhaps those who are in need of a lobotomy enjoy Josh Groban truly enjoyed this performance as well. I, myself, have never been a fan. I am personally acquainted with numerous men who sing better than that asshole. As our friends over at Defamer.com said, "Beyonce and Josh Groban - go together like peanut butter and baby vomit." Here, here! Ugh, enough. Way too much Beyonce for one post.

A few observations on the ceremony and the attendees (CAUTION: a zillion links ahead):

-Mickey Rooney is still alive?! Jesus tap dancing Christ!

-The style this year seems to be those fitted dresses that flare just below the knees, a la "A Fish Called Wanda." No complaints, just an observation. By the way, did anyone else laugh at the fact that "poor" Renee Zellweger could hardly walk in hers? Ha ha, that squinty little tart.

-My husband upon seeing the size of the cantalopes on one of Sidney Lumet's daughters: (in best girl voice) "His last two movies paid for these!"

-Another style? Frilly, fluffy, ruffly dresses.

-One more: The Greek Goddess look.

-Curiously missing: Nicole Kidman. Too weak from lack of sandwiches and pies to walk?

-My husband again: "Johnny Depp is so cool! He has a pocket watch!" Oh help me, God.

-I hate to rip on a hometown boy, but hey Prince: I took one semester of Spanish, and I know that "lado" is not pronounced "latro." You're on international television, buddy. Let's work the titles of those songs before the show.

I thought, overall, a successful show. How about you?

(Check out more snarky Oscars dirt from our friends at Go Fug Yourself, who have created this lovely slideshow for our viewing pleasure).