The Worst Song in the World - Tribute

On Saturday, I sang in the wedding of a junior high/high school friend that I hadn't seen since my own wedding two and a half years ago -- let's call her T. Now, I've sung in my share of weddings, so I've sung some trite, cheesy little ditties. In fact, I sang for T.'s sister's wedding about 7 years ago, and I remember an especially hokey song I had to pull together for that one:

Oh yes, it's true,
He has chosen me for you.
Take my hand, and you'll agree
he has chosen you for me.

Yeah, cheesy, but bearable. HOWEVER - the horrible piece of crap I had to sing on Saturday has no equal. And that is even considering that I've sung "The Wedding Song" at two different weddings ("Rest assured this troubador is acting on his part" - what the hell? Troubador? Who was smoking crack when they wrote that piece?!)

The song I sang on Saturday was a Michael W. Smith piece called "The Other Side of Me." It seemed like your usual cheesy wedding fare at first:

If they had to write about
The story of my life
They would have to mention you
On every page they write -
There's another side to every story told

Ah yes, the life as a story. What a sparkling, innovative metaphor. Onwards:

If I were the ocean
You would be the shore.
One without the other
Would be needing something more.
We are the shadow and the light.

Is it just me, or is that fourth line just dumb? "Quick, I need something that rhymes with shore! And please, make the grammar as awkward as possible!" To the refrain:

Always love me
Never leave me now
Now you are the other side of me. (repeat)

Pretty basic pop-Christian love rhetoric. On we go:

I have known the emptiness
Of feeling out of touch,
And living life without you here
Would be living half as much
'Cause I've a need that only you can fill.

OK, well that's not horrible. It's actually kind of nice. Besides the 'cause. It's annoying and, ultimately, not even necessary. So far, I can deal with this song. Then it hits a submerged crap-berg and starts sinking faster than Vanilla Ice's career:

If love was mathematical
You'd understand the sum
To the heart's equation
Where one and one makes one,
And lonely equals me minus you.

And lonely equals me minus you. At this point, I'm hovering between nausea and the urge to pee myself from laughter. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. You want this song in your wedding? Please. No. Here, I'll give those soon-to-be-marrieds a few hints in picking their wedding music:

1. Any song with "'cause" in it is out. Period.
2. Sentences should roll off of the tongue. These are lyrics, for God's sake. They are written to sound nice with music.
3. Wedding songs should not contain math equations, even stupid fake ones, no matter how cute you think they are.
4. Again, no math in wedding songs. No math in wedding songs!

Now I'll have that piece of shit in my head all night. That's the price I have to pay for agreeing to sing a wedding song with MATH IN IT.